Dear Kay,
He said it.
Last Friday, we were out and he told me he was thinking about staying with his mum for a few months while he finishes his PhD. Nothing wrong with that in principal, except that his mum lives an hour and a half away and I'd never see him ever again. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face with a trout. So I did the only thing I could, I faked a headache and went home to cry.
Except, unfortunately with him being kinda homeless, my home is now his home and he arrived an hour later to me crying on the bed and I had nowhere to escape to.
Awesome.
So there was quite a bit of awkward silence. I was really tired. Tired in general but also tired of the bullshit we seemed to be labouring under. All the unsaid words, all the unfelt feelings. I felt like I was the only one in the relationship, really. That I would never even consider moving an hour and a half away for three months, whereas apparently he was more than ready, and that it just shows how much more emotionally invested I am. And how I'm going to get absolutely caned.
Anyway. That was going through my head at a million miles an hour and I told him I was 'having a bit of a sook but it's too hard to talk about.' Because, really, this was my problem not his. It's not his fault I throw myself, all caution to the wind, too fast and too hard into relationships seemingly predetermined to fail. He asked me if it was about 'us.' I nodded. And he said 'I do love you, Kate.'
The whole world stopped, fell off it's axis, hurtled us all at a million miles an hour toward the sun.
There were more tears. Confessions that I didn't want him to go, even though I didn't want to be the kind of girlfriend who told him what to do, I also really didn't want him to go, like really.
He said he'd been canvassing the idea. He wasn't sure about it, he wanted to know how I felt. I apologised for fucking up his entire life and putting his PhD in peril but he says he couldn't have gone as far as fast without me. I like the sound of it, but don't believe it for a second.
But we'll work it out. It's looking more likely that he'll actually move in here, on a month by month basis. I'm not sure how I feel about it, because...well, it's a bit soon and I don't want to fuck it all up but then, it's better than him being an hour and a half away. If it really sucks I can kick him out, and he can leave any time (much rather kick him out, of course).
I wish I could ask you your opinion. I know it would help. I miss you.
--K.
