Dear Kay,
I am so sick of the fear.
I went to the city today to shop with Katie. We drove in, feeling ok, found a relatively cheap parking garage, feeling damn lucky. Step out onto the pavement, feeling bad. I haven't been in the CBD for ages, not on foot at any rate, and not to shop and it was panic stations pretty early on. Felt myself lift off, up and out of my body. You know the deal.
I actually haven't felt that in a while. Golden Plains was not that kind of panic, that was full-on, heart palpitations, sick stomach, dry mouth. This was almost peaceful in it's mind ending terror. This is what I've been so afraid of since I was 12, this sensation.
Anyway. It was not the end of the world, or even the shopping trip. I soldiered on, as one does in these situations. I bought two pairs of undies and some footless tights, and an Easter bunny on sale. And after three hours of being totally on edge I came home completely exhausted. And angry. I'm so sick of this shit.
Tomorrow night Squidge, Char, Katie and maybe some other randoms are going to Cherry Soul. This fills me with fear. I've been to Cherry Soul before, and it was awesome, and I even got up on stage and danced to Aretha Franklin in front of everyone, and did shots, and drunk dialled Michael one too many times. I was 19 and not afraid. Now, I'll be with people who love me and know me and tension.
Maybe I was anxious last time I was there, but it's four years ago and I can't remember. Fuck, it's almost criminal not to go to Cherry Soul for four years.
I just don't want to go there and be constantly monitoring my anxiety levels. And I know I will be, because I always am. Always, always, always.
Fucking fuck fuck.
Pardon my francais.
--K.
