Dear Kay,
The other day, I was chatting to Squidge about what he's going to do over the next two weeks in England. He mentioned he might travel around Europe for a bit, maybe Paris, maybe Ireland. I said, 'well cool, but don't go to Amsterdam.' And he said 'no?' and I said 'No, because I want to go there with you.'
Maybe I didn't make myself clear. He's going to Amsterdam.
It's important to me because I'm dutch. Because I wanted to explore it for myself. But also, because I wanted to share it with him. I wanted him to discover it with me, to understand that it's a part of who I am, and that t's important to me, and that I wanted to share my history with him, my heritage, my culture. My whatever.
So I asked him not to go, and he is.
I don't know why it hurts so much, but it really does. I can't imagine he would do it on purpose, maybe he just doesn't realise how important it is to me, like I said...maybe I didn't make myself clear. Maybe he didn't realise. Doesn't.
I really don't know what's bugging me so much. That I got left behind? That I asked him not to do something and he did it anyway? That he didn't listen? That he doesn't know me well enough to know that it's important to me? That I wanted to share it with him and he didn't want to take it?
And the worst part is, I said don't go to Amsterdam and he said, oh I don't really want to go there anyway. So it's not even that important to him. He could take it or fucking leave it, apparently. I'm fucking gutted and he doesn't really care either way. Fucking great. If you didn't care that much, why go? What the flying fuck is that?
And I'm so pissed at myself. Sitting aroud fucking pining for him like some fucking war-bride and he's gallivanting all over Europe, la dee fucking da, don't worry about Kate who might actually want to be here with me. Am I jealous? Is that it? Maybe part of it.
I don't know.
Why am I so hurt?
--K.
