Dear Kay,
Had a bad day yesterday. I was doing some boring filing of some boring stupid work shit and I realised my left arm had gone numb. I was that tired. I couldn't stop yawning, everything was too bright, and I didn't feel like I could properly get words out. I'm pretty sure I was slurring. It was seriously not good. And in the middle of all that I suddenly realised, with a terrible flash of clarity, that I am wasting my youth.
I couldn't get the words out of my head. 'Why am I wasting my youth?' I'm fucking 23 and I'm working, thinking and feeling like a 40 year old. Even Squidge says that I'm way too grown up for my age. When we first started going out I remember maybe the second or third night that I stayed with him, I was lying on his chest completely unable to fall asleep and his hand was in my hair and he said almost to himself, 'I can't believe you're 22.'
Neither can I.
Why why why? Why do I continue to work when I feel so shit all the time? When I have no social life and haven't traveled in 4 years, and aren't studying. I suck at being young. I totally suck at it.
Anyway. I've been entertaining myself at work, between life crises, by checking out cute little houses for rent on the net. There are a few that seem ok, and are within budget. It's really not going to happen, and I'm checking it all out with that attitude, but still...it's nice to think of Squidge and I tucked up in our cute little terrace together. Being all coupley, and dare I say it, grown up. Except I was thinking about it the other night, and I realised I'm totally not ready to cook or clean or do any of that shit, and that really I'm still a big kid, and the idea of all that responsibility, coupled with all my responsibility at work, suddenly made me feel tired beyond belief.
Last night was also not good, to bookend my shit day. I was so tired that I got weepy, but couldn't properly cry. It felt blocked, and I only managed to cry properly while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. Awesome. Win. So now I'm knackered today, but nowhere near as bad. I managed to get a few hours.
The reason I was so tired yesterday is because the night before, Squidge appeared unexpectedly at my place. Turned out he'd forgotten his phone, but it was the greatest thing. I'd fallen asleep and was still fully clothed on my bed with the light on, and he came in and I woke up a bit when the door opened, but sort of half asleepily assumed it wasn't him (without actually thinking who it could have been...Dad maybe?), and then he jumped on the bed and I woke up properly and I was so happy. I was perfectly awake, felt amazing, and he was right there! And then I couldn't sleep again, and he was writing in the other room and I could hear him talking to himself, he was obviously writing dialogue and speaking it as he wrote, and I thought I should try to stay awake so that I could tell him I love him when he came back. But I drifted off and when he came back I forgot. It was so adorable, though. I was just lying there listening to him grumble and even the sound of his voice, I loved.
Puke. Sorry.
Last night I didn't see him and I was all weepy and tired and feeling pretty bad. All I wanted to do was sleep but I couldn't by myself. I felt so insane and sick of myself. Now I just need a nap.
And a massage.
And I miss you.
--K.
